Sigh.
A better week... Decision made regarding jobs. All the dissatisfaction and distress about working in the nhs has come to a point. After discussion with my closest friends and family I've decided that my persistently-perfection chasing personality needs a gear change.
No longer can I abide being put on a pedestal, no longer can I perform in a way that affects my health.
Quit date is March 2011.
I can't wait. The two months after I leave the nhs are going to be used to relax, travel and organize my thoughts.
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Monday, 27 September 2010
Monday
Does anyone else get Sunday night blues?
The sound of the 'Antiques Roadshow' music immediately triggers a primordial urge to polish my shoes and get my things ready for school... I mean work. Monday morning driving to work was painful, no matter how many cheery songs or happy thoughts I have.
I have read most other blogs on here about doctors in general distress, I honestly have nobody to turn to and discuss these issues with. One article I read described changing medical fields as 'suicide versus career suicide'. Not sure things are that bad!
All I know is that I am unhappy in my job and it's driving me crazy.
Tonight is Monday and all I can think is that it's nearly Friday.
The sound of the 'Antiques Roadshow' music immediately triggers a primordial urge to polish my shoes and get my things ready for school... I mean work. Monday morning driving to work was painful, no matter how many cheery songs or happy thoughts I have.
I have read most other blogs on here about doctors in general distress, I honestly have nobody to turn to and discuss these issues with. One article I read described changing medical fields as 'suicide versus career suicide'. Not sure things are that bad!
All I know is that I am unhappy in my job and it's driving me crazy.
Tonight is Monday and all I can think is that it's nearly Friday.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
A week of contemplation
The past week has been perfection, mainly because I haven't been at work.
I've noticed that the over the past few weeks I've been skipping meals, drinking less fluids than required and generally not been taking care of myself. My hydration status has been a big issue - interestingly in the NHS small prompt-cards are available to match the colour of your urine with a corresponding level of hydration on the cards. Let's just say that passing urine occurs twice a day for me, in the morning and at nighttime. Interestingly, I recently had some blood tests taken as I was unwell whilst on nights and my eGFR was 60. Very very worrying when discussing levels of hydration. My lips are dry and my head hurts a lot!
Some people may think well they work as a doctor and don't have these problems and I would wholeheartedly agree.
This is all of my own doing!
I feel obligated to stay on the ward, chasing extra results, handing things over, teaching that procedure or meeting about an audit when really I should be having lunch. I've always been the same, so i completely blame myself...
Except when these behaviours are positively reinforced and its seen as an excellent attitude or supportive to colleagues.
I'm only in my late 20's. I've thoroughly overachieved in all things in my life. Most recently I have been nominated for one of the most sought after accolades in medicine. I have been told that four years early, I am functioning at the level of a senior doctor and have been warned I will be bored.
My family who are extremely supportive, unhelpfully, say that 'you've worked so hard to get here' to which I think I have a 40 year career of boredom ahead with evidence already of abnormal health markers - CKD 3 after a nigh shift is not good!
So, this weekend I caught up with friends and family, ate and drank more than I could possibly describe and bought a superb present for myself. The house has been decorated and I am trying to relax.
I do have a career plan in mind, but for now I'll keep that under wraps...
I've noticed that the over the past few weeks I've been skipping meals, drinking less fluids than required and generally not been taking care of myself. My hydration status has been a big issue - interestingly in the NHS small prompt-cards are available to match the colour of your urine with a corresponding level of hydration on the cards. Let's just say that passing urine occurs twice a day for me, in the morning and at nighttime. Interestingly, I recently had some blood tests taken as I was unwell whilst on nights and my eGFR was 60. Very very worrying when discussing levels of hydration. My lips are dry and my head hurts a lot!
Some people may think well they work as a doctor and don't have these problems and I would wholeheartedly agree.
This is all of my own doing!
I feel obligated to stay on the ward, chasing extra results, handing things over, teaching that procedure or meeting about an audit when really I should be having lunch. I've always been the same, so i completely blame myself...
Except when these behaviours are positively reinforced and its seen as an excellent attitude or supportive to colleagues.
I'm only in my late 20's. I've thoroughly overachieved in all things in my life. Most recently I have been nominated for one of the most sought after accolades in medicine. I have been told that four years early, I am functioning at the level of a senior doctor and have been warned I will be bored.
My family who are extremely supportive, unhelpfully, say that 'you've worked so hard to get here' to which I think I have a 40 year career of boredom ahead with evidence already of abnormal health markers - CKD 3 after a nigh shift is not good!
So, this weekend I caught up with friends and family, ate and drank more than I could possibly describe and bought a superb present for myself. The house has been decorated and I am trying to relax.
I do have a career plan in mind, but for now I'll keep that under wraps...
Monday, 20 September 2010
The catharsis has begun...
I'm not entirely sure how I ended up here.
I always seemed to make the right choices in life. I always seemed to be the one who knew where they were going. Something has clearly changed now and as much as I have spent my life so far being anchored to the right choices I now feel adrift in a sea of indecision.
Where to start?
I've always achieved. Since being a child in primary school, I have read at a higher level than my peers, behaved inexplicably well in school, been described as 'a pleasure to teach' more times than I've can count. I have passed exam after exam, studied for hour after hour received three university undergraduate degrees and one extremely difficult medical postgraduate degree. Got the job I always wanted in the region I always wanted with the speciality I always wanted.
Now I've made a mistake somewhere.
It's beginning to affect my health. Over achieving is seriously bad for your health. Physically and socially.
This blog is my attempt to describe my recovery from the most difficult place I've ever been to. A city called Indecision on the outskirts of Error, populated by the people of the NHS.
I always seemed to make the right choices in life. I always seemed to be the one who knew where they were going. Something has clearly changed now and as much as I have spent my life so far being anchored to the right choices I now feel adrift in a sea of indecision.
Where to start?
I've always achieved. Since being a child in primary school, I have read at a higher level than my peers, behaved inexplicably well in school, been described as 'a pleasure to teach' more times than I've can count. I have passed exam after exam, studied for hour after hour received three university undergraduate degrees and one extremely difficult medical postgraduate degree. Got the job I always wanted in the region I always wanted with the speciality I always wanted.
Now I've made a mistake somewhere.
It's beginning to affect my health. Over achieving is seriously bad for your health. Physically and socially.
This blog is my attempt to describe my recovery from the most difficult place I've ever been to. A city called Indecision on the outskirts of Error, populated by the people of the NHS.
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